Happy Alexander

Don’t try to understand me. There is no me; just an idea of me. There is no us; just a...

Sun, 29 Jul 2012 15:29:16 -0400

Don’t try to understand me. There is no me; just an idea of me. There is no us; just a fleeting, transient notion of a familiarity, a likeness of an idea of a person.

He and she.

Tue, 17 Jul 2012 02:13:00 -0400

He has lived the life which has brought him here. He could be no other way — only always blissful. He has found something which is uniquely his own. Something — some great joke, which when he plucks it, rings quiet to every other person .

Her name is Cat. She smiled at me so brilliantly. She was spinning crazy with some strange fleeting idea of what it means to be happy with someone. Happy for her self I would say! She was floating around me; above me! Boy was she above me! She’s above it all! Her head is in the clouds but her eyes! Her eyes are fixed on the horizon with the intention of some great admiral. Maybe the proud dog of some proud admiral; but proud nonetheless. Proud eyes! Eyes proud to be eyes! Eyes proud of their sockets, sockets proud of their brows, brows of their forehead, forehead of their cheeks, cheeks of their nose! The whole composition is grinning at itself. A delicious, mischievous grin of pleasure and the pleasure in pleasing! No idea…no!…no conception of humility or shame. She is love. She is fire and radiance. Taken by a drift, or drifting and going with some beat. Some tidal beat of a smile that carries a laugh that punctuates a heartbeat and a tear in the tear duct of my grinning eye that can’t squint sadly at being with her. And what good kisses she could kiss. The whole head. She kissed my whole head. Ears, neck, chin, beard, ears, nose, those, no toes, and so it goes.

"Raw with love"

Thu, 12 Jul 2012 15:30:02 -0400

Raw With Love little dark girl with kind eyes when it comes time to use the knife I won’t flinch and I won’t blame you, as I drive along the shore alone as the palms wave, the ugly heavy palms, as the living does not arrive as the dead do not leave, I won’t blame you, instead I will remember the kisses our lips raw with love and how you gave me everything you had and how I offered you what was left of me, and I will remember your small room the feel of you the light in the window your records your books our morning coffee our noons our nights our bodies spilled together sleeping the tiny flowing currents immediate and forever your leg my leg your arm my arm your smile and the warmth of you who made me laugh again. little dark girl with kind eyes you have no knife. the knife is mine and I won’t use it yet.

-Charles Bukowski

Dad, Lou Salome

Mon, 09 Jul 2012 16:12:53 -0400

To break with taboos you must have faith that you can win in spite of the taboos. I think most people disagree with many social conventions but recognize (and appreciate) the normalizing, unifying effect that they have on society. So most would rather fit in and satisfy the requirements imposed by society - one real triumph - than resist and take the risky path to emancipated self-definition - another great triumph. The problem is that the quality of the two triumphs is incomparable. It is impossible for any individual to foresee the devastation and fulfillment that both paths are capable of yielding. Unfortunately social cohesion and the socializing pressures tend to triumph over the minds of most people, and so the path to true individuality (a very risky path, no doubt) gets explored far less often. I should clarify though that I don’t think fitting in is in the end a much easier task. It is fraught with torments and anxieties that that are of a very different nature than the path followed by the secluded individual. The quality of these torments are, again, incomparable. But my intuition tells me that the path of the individual is a more noble one.

I can now see my father’s stupidity as a kind of friction in his mind — a suppression of the possibilities of a life unburdened by children and family. He cannot accept that his place in my life might have been destructive, and so he makes it easy on himself. He tells himself that it was a good thing that he stuck around; even though I’m sure things would have been better if he hadn’t. But were I to tell him this I don’t think it would register. To him the possibility of his absence would seem like the ultimate doom.

Expression is everything. You may have a world of love to give but if it doesn’t find...

Sun, 01 Jul 2012 00:02:10 -0400

Expression is everything. You may have a world of love to give but if it doesn’t find expression it’s useless. I think of my father and the goodness he has in him, but he’s spent a lifetime sinking away from intangibles and unfathomables and so his love is lost.

The point isn’t to win or to come out on top, but to act with grace when you can, and to feel...

Thu, 28 Jun 2012 10:51:23 -0400

The point isn’t to win or to come out on top, but to act with grace when you can, and to feel empowered by the things that come free in life.

Let your soul age while you are young, but never let your heart slow its pace or lose the vivacity...

Mon, 25 Jun 2012 15:58:46 -0400

Let your soul age while you are young, but never let your heart slow its pace or lose the vivacity of its beat and flow. I have a picture in my mind of some years down the road, where I’m reclining and thinking of the wisdom of my youth, and wishing that it was all I feel it to be now.

How to avoid shame and criticism

Mon, 25 Jun 2012 13:14:04 -0400

Don’t be a damn fool!

Mild

Mon, 25 Jun 2012 12:25:32 -0400

Is a mild-mannered personality made ugly by self-questioning or is it just ugly on its own?

The summer in winter

Mon, 25 Jun 2012 12:16:31 -0400

“In the midst of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer.”

-Albert Camus

“Shrewdness is a limitation on the mind. Shrewdness tells you what you must not do because it...

Mon, 25 Jun 2012 12:14:54 -0400

“Shrewdness is a limitation on the mind. Shrewdness tells you what you must not do because it would not be shrewd.”

-Steinbeck (East of Eden)

“There are no ugly questions except those clothed in condescension.” -Steinbeck (East of...

Mon, 25 Jun 2012 12:13:34 -0400

“There are no ugly questions except those clothed in condescension.”

-Steinbeck (East of Eden)

Time

Mon, 25 Jun 2012 12:09:33 -0400

“Eventlessness has no posts to drape duration on. From nothing to nothing is no time at all.”

-Steinbeck (East of Eden)

Baudelaire: Intoxication

Mon, 25 Jun 2012 11:56:29 -0400

One must be for ever drunken : that is the sole question of importance. If you would not feel the horrible burden of Time that bruises your shoulders and bends you to the earth, you must be drunken without cease. But how? With wine, with poetry, with virtue, with what you please. But be drunken. And if sometimes, on the steps of a palace, on the green grass by a moat, or in the dull loneliness of your chamber, you should waken up, your intoxication already lessened or gone, ask of the wind, of the wave, of the star, of the bird, of the timepiece; ask of all that flees, all that sighs, all that revolves, all that sings, all that speaks, ask of these the hour; and wind and wave and star and bird and timepiece will answer you:
“It is the hour to be drunken! Lest you be the martyred slaves of Time, intoxicate yourselves, be drunken without cease! With wine, with poetry, with virtue, or with what you will.”

If I am occasionally a little over-dressed, I make up for it by being always immensely...

Tue, 12 Jun 2012 12:53:06 -0400

If I am occasionally a little over-dressed, I make up for it by being always immensely over-educated.

–Oscar Wilde

I am an enlightened man

Tue, 12 Jun 2012 12:48:00 -0400

I am an enlightened man. But my enlightenment doesn’t come from within; it comes from without. Through my friends and companions did I gain and train, and learn to grasp my wisdom. Through the beauty of people did I arrive. And how I have arrived — in a great big group. A parade! With caravans of grace, wisdom, and the finest grains of laughter.

People talk a lot of trash about blogs. ”They’re all the same. Everyone is just repeating the same ideas”. Yeah, but isn’t that the point? Isn’t that what makes us special? Our collective reasoning — our group-thoughtfulness? What good would it be if everyone ignored each other and created art in isolation? What do we gain by not celebrating each other?

Last night I dreamed that I made an old enemy laugh. He was my enemy but I was not his. How could...

Sat, 02 Jun 2012 21:37:57 -0400

Last night I dreamed that I made an old enemy laugh. He was my enemy but I was not his. How could I be? I barely had any presence in the world back then; no, I was no enemy. I was too laughable and pathetic a creature back then warrant the title of “enemy”. But in my dream I saw him approaching, and my gut churned with self loathing and shame. But then he laughed when I made some silly gesture. He laughed and smiled approvingly.

My greatest friend

Sat, 02 Jun 2012 21:26:00 -0400

There is strength in weakness and weakness in strength. One of my greatest friends knows this so well that he speaks only of his weaknesses. That is not to say he is feigning strength; no, he is the greatest embodiment of strength that I have ever witnessed in a human being. There is none so complete as my friend; nor has there ever been. I am sure of it. And what a wonder it is that he is in my life! That I should come so close to greatness that I can sit around and pass a full day with it. That I can go to some shitty part of town and rummage through a dumpster with him for food and still feel grand! On top of the world! What glory I have had the privilege of being in the presence of! There is no one as uplifting in this world as my friend. He takes responsibility for everything that he says, and therefore says everything so well. And the greatest thing about our friendship is that I don’t, for a second, feel slighted or challenged by him. That’s not to say that I am not humbled; to be in his presence is to stand naked before the world. But he passes no judgement - not through word or action - and in that way does not make me feel like anything less than a perfect human being. He doesn’t violate my dignity or try to instruct me. His is the way of true acceptance — unconditional, all loving, and full of intention.

Thoughts of the month

Sat, 02 Jun 2012 17:47:35 -0400

What can you learn about yourself through your creative pursuits?

Ruin yourself before someone does the job for you. Weed yourself out of existence. Yeah, that’ll show them!It’s just a political ideology that you’ve bought into. It’s not your property or your wealth.

We’re all just trying to figure ourselves out, and in most people that can look shallow and ridiculous.

My upbringing baked me and left me with a hard exterior that I never wanted.

How can I have faith in you when you don’t have faith in yourself?

Thank you for trying to explain myself to me.

Find the only woman you could ever love — she is everywhere. She is not one, but a group. There are bits of her in all of us.

To be pure at heart is to admit weakness to all who come into your life. To admit weakness to yourself alone is no great feat.

The best way to use politics is to indoctrinate yourself with it, and then get on with your life. Apply a lens of political thinking — place it behind the lenses of love and empathy.

Lovelessness and insincerity go hand in hand.

A path of excess can lead to wisdom. (from East of Eden)

Don’t let politics form a conduit within you for negativity. Don’t let it fortify its hatred within you. It grows, like cancer. Treat it.

I don’t know what it’s like to have no talent.

“Dude, you gotta cut the weed out. This does not feel good” (from my high self to my sober self).

I don’t trust my sense of humor sometimes. I think it isn’t humor but nervousness. It’s too personal.

“Discombooboorate” -Alan Watts

You have 20-odd years to figure yourself out. Then your ship is wrecked and you pray some floating board will land near you so you can swim yourself to shore.

Show emotion, in all forms and colors. Think alone but act with a good conscience for your friends and beloveds. Shine furiously!

Is it ever a mistake to tell exactly what is on your mind? There is strength in unabashed...

Sat, 02 Jun 2012 14:26:12 -0400

Is it ever a mistake to tell exactly what is on your mind? There is strength in unabashed expression, and strength is beautiful.