So now what to do with all the people that have walked all over you? Now that you’ve let it pass as some quirk? How do you pick up the pieces of a lost dignity? Well I think that if I can forgive myself for those polished foibles that brought about criticism — and surely, like crusting polups in my anus, they came from within me — then I can begin to celebrate humanity’s nervous, stuttering slip-ups. But the subversion of our good character is one that we bring upon ourselves. We attract it when we speak with uncertainty — when we twitch and writhe inside at the thought of the superiority of our peers. Here’s a good lesson in life: know your uncertainty as well as you know your certainty. If you can’t expect your reasoning to encircle and ensnare the attention of your peers then get to thinking. Find out how to draw circles with your words. Better yet, draw spirals — let the lines of your words touch and then drift apart. Touch and drift. Draw spirals with your thoughts.
Its important to describe yourself to others. Not to explain yourself, but to describe yourself. To really talk about what you think you are — to lay some fucking foundations, and to bounce a ball of your total personality off people’s heads.
I don’t talk like I think. I have a friend who does. His name is Pom. The words flow freely from him. But lets talk about another friend, because Pom will be fine; my other friend will not be fine. She will drive herself insane. There’s a thing that Steinbeck said about shrewdness — that it’s limiting because a shrewd person’s mind tells them not to do things that aren’t shrewd. And I accept and embrace this idea; if only I could get her to. Perhaps she does see it. Perhaps I’ve set a good example.
We all just want to have our voices heard. We all want people to listen when we talk. We all want to be understood. We want to be felt. And touched. And loved. And kissed. And hugged. We want people to laugh when we think “laugh”, and to cry with us, and to smile with us! We want people to smile at us! Can’t you friggin smile at me lady?! Can’t you look me in the eyes and smile? Where is our great role model? Where is this generation’s real men? Not the tight-fisted, greedy, un-emotional, soulless capitalist pricks that get churned out by business schools all over the country. No. We want the real troopers. The soldiers of life! The cry babies. The women-huggers. The laughers. The guys that don’t give a shit how strong you are when there isn’t any good reason to be strong. There’s strength in honesty, I’ll tell ya! The truth wont only set you fee; it’ll give you great big wings and the posture of a marble-cut goddess! As soon as I can think of it its all gone. The good thoughts run out of my head. Because they aren’t my thoughts! They’re up in the ether, and we have to snatch em out of the air and write ‘em down before we forget.
If you’re not my friend then you’re my enemy. I’m much too sensitive to take rejection lightly. At this ripe young age of 23 I can see into the souls of my peers and beloveds and trace a big circles through them, to string em all up like beautiful crowns of caramel-popcorn. The line runs shy of those I hate and those that love the ones I hate. Our souls and our consciences beat to one rhythm - one of two really - good or evil. Soulful or plastic. Empathic or malevolent.
There’s a writer buried somewhere within me. I have to sharpen the bowl of my shovel and start diggin. Lord knows there’s no excavation workers to hire in the land of “Soul”.
My heart goes out to this man, for his kindness, his selflessness, his love, and his transcendence of all things petty. What a beautiful person. We are living in what are truly the best of times. The pleasures and luxuries that we are afforded by the reaches of our various forms of interconnection are astounding. We have all the ability and capacity to love and be loved, and to seek out love. Take a thing like OkCupid — some people might think its silly; I happen to really appreciate it (for what it is and can only be, of course: ie, its not a substitute for real life exchanges), and to think that only a few years ago the concept of on-line dating didn’t even exist! Think of how easy things have been made for us! So lets not take it all for granted; lets try to look past the petty cynicism and the gloomy notion that things are going to hell. Things were always going to hell (if you really want to inhabit that realm of abysmal, paranoid fear). Life has no intrinsic meaning or value. It simply is!
My life is missing a great romance. I can dance around the idea of independence and freedom but so long as I don’t have love in my life the dance is a farce and I’m wasting time.
Everyone needs an art form — a form of expression to fall back onto in times of lowness and dejection. The aim of life is to find that art form and to cultivate it such that it guides your self development. ”Self development is the highest aim in life” says lord Henry in The Picture of Dorian Gray, but I believe that art is the highest aim, because through it you can attain self development and self actualization. But see, art is a great deal more than just a conduit to self development; it is a divine distraction from the mundanity of a nervous contemplation of life of which, I think, we are all victims.